Trip to China
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Thursday, August 21, 2008 Today was our day to explore some of the sights of Guangxi province and to try and absorb in a few short hours some of the history and culture of this ancient place for us and for Eva. Our primary destinations were a Buddhist temple and a pagoda originally built over a thousand years ago but then dismantled to avoid destruction by the Japanese during the mid 1940s occupation. The Buddhist temple was awesome and still very active with monks and local people coming to pay their respects and bring offerings. Eva received a blessing from a Buddhist monk. The pictures say it all. But this post would be remiss if I (Colette) did not write about something even more fundamental that I first saw on Thursday and left even more of an impression on me than ancient pagodas or the splendid Buddhist temple. For the first time yesterday I began to see the differences there will be parenting an older adopted baby (not sure this is unique to international adoption so I will just say older adopted baby, could also say toddler). Bonding and attachment is proceeding well for us - beautifully really -- and yet there are little differences that make your heart ache a little for Eva and for us (though more for Eva than us). Some of them appear to be unique to the girls from her orphanage, some appear to be more common among the girls who were in the orphanage longer than about nine months, and some are just an inevitable consequence of orphanage life. Let me say again that things are going beautifully. Eva is growing already in so many ways. Every full bottle she drains feels significant. And Thursday in addition to her accomplishment of standing from a sit, she also showed us that she knows how to clap her hands, that she can wave hello, and that she can smack her lips when hungry. In fact, Thursday was the first day we got to see that she does register hunger and will communicate her desire for her bottle by smacking her lips. But there are subtle things to overcome and a long journey ahead to true attachment on her side. Colette has been committed to giving the bottle with her cuddled in her arms and with eye contact. And the first day or two Eva complied. But Thursday for the first time she showed that all of this attaching is a little more of a challenge than it looks like at play time. She tried to turn away, look away and push away hands while arching. Now one could say well, she is 12 months and a little independence is to be expected. But not so much and not yet. So we worked on it and she came around to Colette's method finally relaxing but the next bottle the same and so it goes. But after each feed where she does gaze and lock eyes, yes, there is a bit more connection, a bit more trust - a glimmer. Same with the clinging but alternatively, mommy or daddy shopping. Eva clings to whoever is holding her and especially to Colette - very gratifying as well as tiring - but it is more of an urgent survival mechanism still, a "don't leave me behind" instinct - only with trust and recognition that Mom and Dad are her forever parents - will she let go and play. But it is so early, the transition so huge, and yet still interesting to see. And not for the faint hearted. The reaching, clinging, eye gazes are gratifying but one cannot rely on those alone to stick with it. For those who are reading this blog who have adopted older babies or toddlers you will recognize these experiences. And then there are the physical issues. None of the girls from Eva's orphanage are eating any solids. But it is not just eating solids. It is also not putting food in their mouths. Not a drop of banana or applesauce or rice congee will cross or even touch their lips. There are three babies from another orphanage in our group that all have familiarity with spoons and foods. They are much younger, much, and yet they are all opening their mouths like little birds to eat. But not Eva or her sisters. Except for paper. They all crave paper - tearing it up and eating small pieces if they can. Must google paper - is there something in paper they all crave? Clearly they all seem to need some iron ... But this is not dirt but paper. Nothing else in the mouth. Seems like the expectation was these girls would be adopted out sooner. After all, all of them were paper-ready by 4 months. And yet Eva was not the only one referred until closer to a year due to the slowdown. So perhaps the orphanage decided to wait on feeding as they knew forever families could do that. The one blurry photo we have inside the orphanage with more than Eva you see many babies around one caregiver. Many babies. We are so grateful for the care and love from the Beiliu nannies. Someone held her and fed her and laughed with her. But she waited - many of them did and do. Will it all come - food, the weight, the attachment - yes, of course - but those were some of my thoughts this day. Of pagodas and Buddhas and dragons but also of babies and bottles and eye contact and iron and skin.

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