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Sunday, June 1, 2008

This post is dedicated to “Mrs. C and the Boones Creek clan”…it will prob. Be the longest post of the trip…and the most emotional!

Hmmmm….well today started at 4 AM…woke up wide awake wondering why the sky line was still dark. I walked into the joining room…my parents room…and they were sound asleep. I felt like a child at Christmas…WHY IS EVERYONE STILL ASLEEP?????

I played on the internet…but not really in a mood to talk to anyone. I flipped through channels…knowing good well that I wouldn’t land on anything worth grabbing my attention. I paced the room….and then found myself nestled against the window ledge with my face pressed against the cold window…watching for any movement…

I let my eyes stretch as far as they could reach….trying to see as far into Taiwan as I could. For such a big city…I was surprised that there was not as much going on…even at this hour. I remember taking a trip to New York city in September with my parents and looking down late at night from our room window and seeing all the people running around….that city truly doesn’t sleep!!!

There were a few scattered people here and there…but truly not as many as you would think…and mostly people who were supposed to be there…cops and workers…but not people just wondering about…people just strolling through the sidewalks…people with no where to go in any hurry…people…like me. Everyone had a purpose…a place to be…someone to see…something to get done. Today…I just needed to get through it….and it started way to early….it was going to be yet another long day.

The plan today was to sit back and simply get through it. How could, after all this waiting…years…., one day be so hard??? I have made it through…1200 days….how could this one day almost break me???? You know…work with me here….you know when you see someone running a marathon…or you see them working so hard towards something….they make it through so many obstacles and they are so close…they can see the finish line….then all of the sudden they are only feet away and they collapse….you cringe for them…you start screaming out loud… “GET UP!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!” You can’t understand why now of all times with all that they have gone through that they could fall short….

Well…today….I fell. I guess I should say I “tripped”. My “water boy” has been absent in the past few miles (bruce) my cheer leader…my coach. I have had to go these past few miles with only the echoes of him telling me I can do this. This morning in the darkness…I doubted myself….my strength….

I questioned myself… “He will hate me….he will reject me…he will never forgive me for taking him away from this amazing place. He will look at me and never see the love….” How could I look him in the face….how could I look at the birth mother and smile and say its going to be ok….how can I be the strong one???? WHO IS GOING TO TELL ME ITS GOING TO BE OK??????

Alone in my room…alone on the road….I fell. I looked around and saw Katie…telling me “Linda you are going to be a wonderful mother….you can do it…” I heard Danielle saying “Linda….it will never be easy…and nothing else in this world will ever be more sweeter than the love of your child.” I saw Little T…telling me “Linda he will love you always…go get your son!” I heard Andrea, “Linda, its ok…lean on me…I will walk beside you in my heart…you will not go alone….” I heard Kim, “Linda, its going to be ok….trust yourself…it will come to you…and everything will be alright.” I saw Susan C. reaching her hand out to pull me up…. “Linda I am here for you…you are not alone…this will be tough at times….but he needs you and you need him…just take one step towards one another…and soon you will reach your son.” I heard Debbie and Will and David…. “Linda this is what its about…put your doubts aside and do what you have been waiting to do for all these years….be the mother to him that he needs…not that he wants….believe in the love you feel….it is real!!!” I saw my parents “Linda its ok….you know more than you think you do…you will be able to sense his needs more than anyone…trust yourself….you are not waiting to become his mother…you already are!” I hear Mildred…”Trust in God…He will be with you every step of the way…have faith.” And finally…the words from my coach…. “Linda you have always questioned yourself…but you cant’ question your love for this child….you know his initial rejection is not a rejection of you but of the circumstances….you know you have a job to protect him and make him feel safe….you have a job to ensure that he knows he is loved unconditionally and that whom ever he becomes in this world…he will always be your one and only.”

You know you are his mother…and that you can’t do that if you don’t get up and face what maybe the hardest test of motherhood…questioning your right to motherhood….but he needs you…and that supersedes everything else. In the end it is not the title of mother…and its not blood versus paper…its having the blessed opportunity to help a child feel valued and loved in this world….providing a place that they can always come to and know they will be ok…its listening and forgiving….its laughing and scolding…its being there even when they think they don’t’ need you…its giving up everything without question…. I love this child more than anything I have ever loved in my life…and I LOVE A LOT!!!!!!! I am getting up and getting my son in the morning…and I am going to feel whatever I feel and it will be all over the place…I am who I am…but at the end of the day…tears and what not…I will have my son…safe…in my arms…where he belongs.

So why did I share those intimate thoughts…because for years I have read other people’s blogs and experiences…and not to say that there was anything at all wrong with them…its just everything was always “perfect”. Not really any problems…no doubts…no issues. Well I wanted to be honest…I was scared…so scared I was ashamed of the thoughts. This is the happiest day of my life…and also the most difficult. I am stressed beyond belief…I love him so much already I don’t want to see him hurting…I don’t want to be the “cause” of his hurt. I have never changed a diaper….I have never fed a child….I could go on….just all the things that make you doubt yourself…. But with all that it doesn’t mean I don’t want him or that I cant’ do it…it just means I love him that much that I can admit I am not perfect…and with all that he is going through…I just want to do all I can to protect him. Mommy instincts don’t necessarily come once they are in your arms…some times they come way before…

So…I still have the whole day left…a day I had planned to just lay low. After freaking out…I looked outside and all the sudden the sun was coming up…people were headed in every direction…life was waking up and moving on with their day….and so I needed to as well. My parents woke up…we showered…had our breakfast…(oh so fabulous)…and they asked if I wanted to join them at the Jade Market again…I thought about saying no…but I went and I am so glad I did. I relaxed…and was able to come back to the room and get it ready for Rudd. I had a clear mind…and an open heart. I was able to get the foster families gifts together and wrapped…and compose a letter to them. I have done all I can do to prepare for this day…all I can do at this point is….show up…open my arms…and never let go!!!

I am more ready than ever…tomorrow I begin the most important role of my life…motherhood… ;-)

Bruce…I will carry you in my heart…I miss you and love you…but I am going to be ok…We love you so much…you are my happiness!!!!

~Linda























 

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