Sunday, February 23, 2014

Kevin and I talked via Skype a little bit ago about how much to share concerning our Gracie. One day she will read this account of our journey to each other, and I don’t want to hurt her. On the other hand, it is a real journey for her and for us, and one day we all will be able to look back and say, “Wow, look at how far she has come!”

According to her records, our little daughter has been in an orphanage since she was an infant. She will be eight years old this coming May. For over seven and a half years, all of her life up until now, she has lived the life of an institutionalized child. I mentioned in an earlier post that the ramifications of that fact are enormous for her.

Gracie self-soothes the minute she is tired, overwhelmed, or frightened which has been a lot during the last week. She sucks a couple of fingers, finds the edge of a blanket nearby, and rubs the back of her head. She also rubs the edge of the blanket against the hand with her two fingers in her mouth. Now, I know that lots of perfectly normal children soothe themselves in some way early in life. We probably all have a mannerism that serves in that capacity even as adults. But, this is different, and it is heartbreaking to watch.

Not only does she feel the need to self-soothe often, but also she melts down into what looks like a full blown temper tantrum. It doesn’t matter where this happens – in the loudest most crowded coffee shop to the quietest corner in our calm hotel room. We can’t even imagine all of the emotions swirling around in her head and heart.

She is traumatized. She is manipulative. She is eager to please me one moment. She is fighting with all her might to get others to do her bidding the next. The young man who is our guide is amazing. He supports my parenting to a traumatized child without question and backs me up every time. We jokingly say, “Why don’t you fly home with us?” Only half kidding about that really. Sophia, Deidra, and I are constantly praying for wisdom and my strength and patience, along with a loving firmness. It is a balancing act. There are limits I must set in this early stage, and then there are battles I must leave for a more secure time. Sometimes knowing which ones are which is tricky!

We are a little bit anxious about the flights home. Calling out to others to do her bidding or breaking down because we don’t do what she wants is a constant stress and could be really unnerving in the airports and flights filled with Chinese speaking people who don’t really understand why we are adopting or are thinking we are not meeting her needs. You all have written such good suggestions and support through our guestbook and/or through email. I have read each and every one of your comments and have taken them to heart.

Through it all though, we are not forgetting we have a source of supernatural strength at our side. It is God who called us to be Gracie’s family, and we know He will provide the wisdom, strength, ability, and love to help us help Gracie even when we are not feeling it at the moment. Thanking Him for His provisions in advance and knowing we can trust Him with our deepest fears (there are many on this journey). Thanking Joe and Jennifer for hosting this site which provides such an amazing glimpse into Gracie’s world and the world of others as they come into their forever families. And thanking God for each of you and the support, encouragement, and love you show us in abundance.